Vultures

I don't believe I have yet written about my greatest fear. Some people are afraid of dying. Some people are afraid of snakes. Some people are afraid of being mugged in a dark alley. I am afraid of birds.

I can't quite pinpoint when this fear developed, or the specific instance that I realized I had this fear of birds. They are shady creatures. You can't tell what they are looking at from their beady little eyeballs. They can flog you with their wings. They have both talons and beaks to rip and tear your flesh from your bones. I know they are fond of picking the eyeballs out of not-yet-dead animals. Also, who likes a creature that can poop on your head? Not I. I am also allergic to feathers, so there.

Laugh all you want. One of my worst imagined scenarios is driving my little convertible down the interstate when a bird flies into the car and cannot figure out how to get out. It thrashes around and scratches my face and gets caught in my hair. I drive the car off of a cliff and everything erupts in a giant fireball... the only thing to escape is the bird, as it flies off into the distance, smoke and flames rise up beneath his wings as he targets his next victim...

I have screamed and ducked as a bird, caught in a grocery store, swooped down near me in the soup aisle. I get made fun of when I have to avert my route around a gaggle of geese loitering on sidewalks. I flinch every time the bird at Sandy's Pet Shop screeches "Hello". I turn and run when the seagulls get too brave around my snacks. I hate their faces.

When I am out on the farm, birds are something of a common theme. They are everywhere. Rats with wings. Especially the vultures.

The vultures see me coming. They have a meeting. They talk about how the little blonde city girl has come out again. They know that I can't handle the farm life and they circle around my head, waiting for the inevitable time that I bite it right under them... so they can swoop in for my eyeballs.

I wish I were making this up, but I am not. Even James has witnessed it, now. One day I stood in the garden picking strawberries in searing summer heat. I was hot, dehydrated, and dazed. James' dad came out and brought me a bottle of water, but not before counting over 11 vultures circling around me. More recently, when we were picking the corn, three of them were eyeballing me. There was one, watching from a tree nearby, and two circling around. 

I would much rather fight off a horde of rabid wolves than a flock of hungry vultures. I will gladly wear a snake around my shoulders, but would scream in terror if someone let a bird perch on my fingers. 

I don't think I am alone... Even the Newport Aquarium has a bypass for their enclosed bird area, for those of us who need avian avoidance routes. Still laughing? I am sure there is something out there that makes your skin crawl. Spiders? Heights? Small spaces? Whatever.