A tale of five derbies

Every year, on the first Saturday in May, people flock from every corner of the globe to gather in Louisville, Kentucky. The entire city shuts down, if not the entire state. All eyes are on the track. One and a quarter miles. An oblong dirt ring surrounded by thousands of men and women, mint juleps, and large brimmed hats ornately decorated with flowers, ribbon, and feathers.

Derby hats displayed at Dee's.

A collective breath is held as a bugle touts the call to the post. Excitement builds as revelers make their last-minute bet at the window, skewing the odds with just minutes to go. They race to their seats, gripping the rails with one hand, and their sure-winning ticket in the other.

Silence mounts as the thousands settle. Not a breath can be heard among the crowd of people and horses, alike. No one stirs. All eyes are focused on the long green gate, holding the contenders. Then, BANG, the gates fly open and "They're off!" Screams fill the air and hooves pound the dirt. Everyone is on their toes shouting and flailing their arms in the air, cheering on their favorite horse and rider. Even with the pounding of the horses' hooves on the track, you can hear your heart beat in your ears as you jump to see over the hats and feathers and scream with your ticket in hand.

They round the bend and are on the backstretch, racing down the straightaway and soon enough they are back in front of you. The tension mounts, you get lightheaded as you yell on your horse and rider to make that final push. You scream, you jump, hooves pound, drinks are spilled, nose and nose, neck and neck, and... *flash* a photo finish.

The Kentucky Derby is world known as one of the most exciting two minutes in sports, but, to me and many other Louisvillians, it is the most exciting two weeks of the year.

The stretch.

The city celebrates for weeks before the Derby, with parades, balloon glows, steamboat races, chow-wagons, tournaments, and parties. The day of, the city shuts down. Whether you have a ticket to the track, or not, there is plenty to do.

One of the iconic Twin Spires looms over the memorial gardens.

Around our house Derby time means entertaining. Every year we have a derby morning brunch. We get up early and start mixing the mimosas and bloody marys. The living room is usually packed with out-of-towners who have come to see the madness. By 9am everyone is up and getting ready. Hair dryers are blowing and curling wands are whipping in the air, the smell of hairspray and bacon fills the air. Hats are fastened in place shirts are ironed. Mimosas and beers are downed before heading out. Our guests go in any number of directions. Here is where you can choose your own adventure.

Sometimes Derby looks like this...

And sometimes it looks like this.

Your first choice is to stay home and actually watch the races. If you are a betting soul then this is the place for you, because this is the only place you will actually have a clear view of who will win. Make sure you are set with your home-made juleps and burgoo and have already placed your bets at Trackside. If you have guests, make sure you have several fun derby games and that you collect a pool for each race. $2 a chance and a day full of races makes everyone a winner.

Your second choice is to party hop. undoubtedly, you have been invited to little over 5 Derby parties, all taking place today. Pack up your wine and hold on to your hat, you are in for a ride. Derby party etiquette states that you should stay at each party for at least one race. Sip a drink with your host, bring them some snacks or alcohol and move on. You have places to go and people to see at each party, and if you are going to make it to all of them you have got to socialize as fast as those horses run.

Choice number three is tailgating. You're really stepping it up here. Prepare for the worst. You know that Derby falls on an early spring day in Kentucky. It could be snowing. It could be 100 degrees. Most likely it will monsoon for half an hour, then the clouds will part and sun will beam down from above just in time. Last year there were tornadoes. You get the idea. Make sure you are prepared. You head over to Papa John's Stadium parking lot with the thousands of other partiers. You are just down the street from the action and can hear the screams and cheers from where you stand. Bring your cooler full of beer and some sun screen. make sure you also have a chair, some extra toilet paper, and a radio to at least listen in on the races. Cheer on the tailgaters who go on to the track, and join with the parties that stay behind. Pool your resources and your wagers.

Ah, choice number four. You're a brave soul. You're going to the infield. Whew. The infield is as close as you can get to the action without class. You are in the center of the track, crammed into a dirt arena with thousands of other drunkards. You might not want to be wearing your Sunday best. Rain boots and sunscreen are recommended. Make sure you have practiced sneaking in your alcohol and remember that, here, it is totally OK to wear a plastic horse mask, fake roses around your neck, or any other ungodly creation you have made for this special occasion. Leave your dignity at home. Surely, by the time the actual Kentucky Derby race is ran, you will have either made out with a stranger, climbed on top of a port-o-potty, or passed out on the ground. You will come back when you wake up with the most awful sunburn and day-hangover you have ever experienced. Man-up.

Finally, option five. Congratulations! You know someone who knows someone who was selling a ticket and you ponied up the cash to get in. You better be decked out. Wear your nicest dress and biggest hat. Do your make-up and curl your hair. Tough it out in those stilettos. Guys, go for it. When else can you wear a pastel suit and suspenders and still fit in? Grab a julep on your way in. Pick up a program and start circling your winners. This is going to be a big day. You're really doing it right. Keep an eye out for the celebrities that are in town for the races. Take lots of pictures. Make lots of bets. Enjoy the moment, feel the Kentucky sun shining down on your face, sing "My Old Kentucky home" as loudly as you can. Sip your mint julep and breathe in the thick stench of cigars. Don't worry about how much money you've spent, for you, my friend, are one of the lucky ones today.

This post is to notify you that there are now only 100 days between you and the next Kentucky Derby. Are you ready?